Arguments Between me and Him

Some tips from my psych class, I know it sounds a little like psychobabble mumbo jumbo but I used to have a lot of fights with one of my friends… this really helped… he started to be a lot nicer when we disagreed on something, all because I was being nicer…

1. When there is an argument, don’t focus on who started it. (This is linear thinking)

2. Don’t focus on who is to blame for a problem. (This is linear thinking.)

3. Do focus on the contribution you are making to the circular dance because that is the only thing you have control over (The Law of Control). For example, are you trying to attribute blame or trying to determine who started an argument? Does the other person know where you stand? Are you being aggressive instead of assertive?

4. Don’t try to change the other person’s behavior or feelings. For example, Don’t say, “ Don’t feel that way, or you shouldn’t feel that way.” That is, validate his/her emotions; don’t invalidate them by saying the emotions s/he is experiencing are wrong. No emotion is right or wrong.

5. Do make sure that you know where you stand; be clear about your own needs, desires, responsibilities, thoughts and emotions (called Cognitive Clarification).

6.Do set limits (boundaries) on the behaviors you will tolerate (e.g., You will not tolerate abusive, insulting language.)

7. Do make sure the other person knows where you stand but communicate your view in a civil, polite way. It’s not necessary to insult the other person (That is, use “I message,” not “You messages.”).

8. Use active listening (non-reactive listening). That is, talk “to” each other, not “at” each other. The idea is to hear the other person’s message without judging it or leaping to conclusions. Acknowledge the other person’s view without necessarily agreeing. (This is called agreeing to disagree.). When negotiating it is important not to be adversarial, as would occur in a court of law. Remember that it is not just your goals that are important, but the goals of your significant other. The well-being of your partner should be as important to you as your own well-being. Often times both individuals are angry because their goals are in conflict. Ask the question, for example, how important is your goal to you and how important is the goal of your significant other to him/her.